I have seen you around in passing within the time that we were last of any significance, and of all the other times we have spoken, today was different. It was full of long reminisce and conversing over exterior things without having to say what we meant. At least for me, I sensed the things you referred to and I began to realise how much you have matured since then and the amount of time that has separated what used to be. Back then, everything was just for fun.

Appearing the same as you ever were while seemingly more sure of yourself now by the way you spoke, the way you kneeled down to return my change and gently said “I always take care of you”. A completely innocent act sweetened with affection. It was then that I knew only time and circumstance had kept you away. Like all of us, I could see the uncertainty in your eyes about your future. Being the older, more wiser between us, at the time, I predicted what your future had in store for you and in a way, my predictions are still unfolding. I always got the impression that you somehow looked up to me. In the past, I had wondered whether we will ever find ourselves back where we left it, whether our plan we “If” and “Maybe’d” into closing the night before we mutually parted ways will become effective. As much as it is a fond thought of you, the predictions end here. I do not wish to foresee this in our future.

It’s very clashing when I think about my past in the present. Things are just not as they used to be in my life. Sure, I am allowed to rest palm to chin over such things as “What if?” or “Remember when…” But these thoughts and feelings aren’t viewed the same when it means overlooking what I happily have now. It always makes me think the worst when I ponder these things, or of any stray feelings for that matter. I know that I am entitled to my thoughts and memories as a lot of that is simply my history. But as for feelings, I could never feel the same way I did then as I do now in the present.

Opening my time capsule that day, for that moment I remembered our brief circumstance, the way it felt in parts and how I perceived you. But as time moves on, so do I and the past in today’s context forever shifts how I feel about what was once upon a time.

For some reason, years later, I remain haunted by your image.

I battle for the times that I remember whether you really did exist in my life.

All that I have left of you are a few photos and my memories, which become

more and more like disappointing dreams of a long gone friend.

When I least expect it, I think about you and wonder where you really are.

Whether you purposely broke contact with everyone around you and left the

country like you said you would, or whether you had passed away.

For all of your selfish abandonment, you may as well have.

Sometimes when I am at work or when I am out, I imagine running into you and

all I can think to say is “Why?”. Even in my dreams, you say nothing. All I can do

is cry and look for the sympathy or shame in your silence. The last kind act you

gave me in return was an innocent hug whilst wearing your high school cricket

uniform. This was some years ago now and only in my dream. I can’t remember

exactly how it went but I asked you something important and you told me

something reassuring and sweet. The last dream I can remember having of you,

you told me that you moved to Spain, just like the song. The idea isn’t so farfetched,

seeing as you were half Chilean. I woke up feeling like it was so real that I pieced my

dreams and your last words together in an effort to somehow find you. I know deep

down that I will never receive an answer.

On some days I feel like I see you in every tall fair man with light curly hair that

passes me by. When I got on the bus home yesterday, I thought I saw you sitting at

the back and I quietly panicked and tried to double take. I always run the plan of attack

in my mind in that instance in case it is you. A plan that I know will never be implemented.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it has now been 6 years since I last saw you.

And to my sorrow, I still think of you til this day and your endless absence

continues to break my heart. It hurts just as much now as it did the moment I realised

that you were never going to answer your phone. Ringing, ringing, and ringing… until

all that was left was the sound of your voice on voice mail.

“Hi, you’ve called Daniel Robles. Please leave a message…”

The year was 2006. We hung out in the city and parted ways at JB-HIFI on Elizabeth

Street a few weeks after you took me to the U2 concert and I took you to Live 8.

Had I have known that would be the last time I would see you for the rest of my life,

I wouldn’t have let you get away that easily. Lord knows I couldn’t have tried any

harder to stay in touch. I wouldn’t have witnessed the photo for your passport

application had I have known. I wouldn’t have encouraged you travelled again over

going to uni had I have known. In the deepest blue eyes, I guess I just didn’t see that

you were really trying to say goodbye.

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you’ll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

I need a brand new friend who doesn’t bother me
I need a brand new friend who doesn’t trouble me.

The vision of you always returns to past tense, I will eventually wake and you won’t be there.

And even though I love you so, my heart goes right on breaking without reason

as if to insure a safer landing if we ever come to that.

And it saddens me because I have you now, but I fear losing you some day, some how.

Your house once warmed by your presence doesn’t make up for the company you bring, your pets reflect back onto me with the same puppy dog eyes that I am making at all who see me, and your electric blanket doesn’t make up for our spoon you’re meant to fill.

I sit here with your Beau, anxious and waiting for you to come home x